


Sleeping just to numb the pain

by daughterofthesky



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Blood and Gore, Blood and Violence, Character Death, Dark, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gen, Han Jisung | Han & Lee Felix are Best Friends, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Minor Han Jisung | Han/Lee Felix, Murder Mystery, Sad Han Jisung | Han, Submissive Hwang Hyunjin, Suspense, Temporary Amnesia, Voice transcript, Walks In The Woods, seungmin is a bad boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 09:53:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18050303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daughterofthesky/pseuds/daughterofthesky
Summary: The four of us, sitting by the fire, watching the smoke drift off into the air above us and disappear, sparks of the fire making way upwards into the sky, like stars. We watched it all disappear and turn cold. And then, there was only me.I am the only witness of a murder, the assassination of my three closest friends. The problem is, I can't seem to remember it.





	Sleeping just to numb the pain

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AStarlightMonbebe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AStarlightMonbebe/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Shadows That Hide Us](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15785403) by [AStarlightMonbebe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AStarlightMonbebe/pseuds/AStarlightMonbebe). 



> it's super dark and i wouldn't recommend you to read it if a) you don't like angst and derivations of it, and b) if you can't tolerate death, violence, depression, and so. It is extremely twisted and brutal.  
>  **SPOILER ALERT / TRIGGER WARNING DON'T READ AHEAD IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY TRIGGER WARNINGS AND DO NOT WANT TO BE SPOILED, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED THANK YOU,** it depicts suicide and gore and clinical depression and suicidal thoughts and mental instability.

The clock on the wall stares at me furtively. I gulp.

“Please, introduce yourself and tell us why you're here,” the man in the red tie says. He is a few meters away, facing me from the end of the large, glass table that looks expensive and quite heavy. The room is uncomfortably cold. I sit still, hands clammy and trembling, tongue tied. Five cameras point directly at me, and I have a microphone in front, along with a handful of police officers from behind one of the walls; a glass window. The man looks nonchalant. His monotonous voice echoes along the white, stainless walls.

Now, _why am I so nervous?_

The clock ticks by, anticipating my reply.

“My name is Han Jisung. I am the only witness of a crime I did not commit.”

* * *

**In the morning of August 6th, three bodies were found in the woods near the border of the country, police reports say. The bodies were identified as Hwang Hyunjin, Kim Seungmin and Lee Felix, all high-school students of approximately 18 years of age. The corpses have since been taken for autopsies and the woods have been closed to the public. A single weapon has been found at the scene of the murder; an empty gun. Its fingerprints have yet to be identified. It is believed that it was the responsible for the deaths of these students. An only witness, student and friend of the victims, Han Jisung, has been taken into interrogation as the only suspect at the moment. He was found at the crime of the scene, unconscious. He claims to be innocent and maintains that he is not responsible for their deaths. We will keep you updated as the investigation continues.**

* * *

_The following is a transcript of a video by suspect Han Jisung. The interrogation started at 5:09 am. No new leads since then and no other witnesses found at the crime scene. The patient suffered a blow to the head and has claimed that he does not recall the events of that night vividly. Medical revision has backed this fact up._

***the detective asks the patient to explain the relationship with the victims***

"We were best friends. All through childhood and into adolescence."

***the patient half smiles, nostalgic, but is soon turned into a frown***

"I've tried to ask myself a lot of questions in the last couple of hours, hoping my damaged mind will answer me. It's useless, I don't remember what happened to them. I don't think I can be of much use but of course, I'll tell you everything I know."

* * *

 

"I met them when I was very young. I had recently moved back to Korea after spending my childhood in Malaysia because of my father's work. I was glad to be back, even though I was six years old. I had to start over again, build my life from scratch. I thought it was going to be hard, make friends and all. After all, I was a very shy kid, not a person of many words. I was awkward, awfully introverted. I know many kids my age weren't as shy as me but I guess I was born like this." 

***chuckles***

"Anyways, the first person I met in school was Hyunjin. He was shy like me, and we only got close because we were excluded from everyone; no one would choose us for anything, not at lunch, not to play. We were always last in everything."

***long pause, patient tries to remember something***

"Looking at it now, I don't really know how we got close. We were very different despite it all. It's like he was meant to follow rules, never breathe outside of the mold. He was very structured, and sometimes I felt like I was talking to a robot, not in the sense that he didn't have emotions-which he rarely showed-but in the sense that he always went with the flow in everything and with everyone. Thinking about it, I don't think any of us knew him very well."

"But he was kind. Despite it all, he smiled a lot, as if trying to hide that he was hurt. But who could be hurt all the time?"

* * *

 

"Seungmin met me, not the other way around. He approached me and talked to me first, he showed me what I was missing. He became friends with me. That one afternoon in 'detention', which was really just having a time out in the corner of the class, changed everything. I remember that I was eight, and I had pulled a girl's ponytail because she took my brand new pencils. I was furious." 

***patient laughs***

"But the real reason I was mad was because my parents were going to be mad at me. I was terrified of them. Any kid is when they're young."

***patient clears his throat, and smiles***

"Seungmin was a great friend, and I was very fond of him. He was like our leader, in a way. Always telling us how to do stuff and exceed at life. He was a bit of a daredevil but had a heart of gold."

***patient buries his face in his hands as if about to break down and cry***

"He didn't deserve to die. None of them did."

  ***patient cries uncontrollably***

 

* * *

“My parents loathed them. They thought they were a bad influence on me. They never liked that I spent time with them, so much that I had to keep our meetings away from them.”

“I would lie, tell them I was reuniting with the book club or something. Something noble, intellectual, 'worth of my time’ as they would say.”

“Seungmin was a bad influence with his low grades and troublemaker attitude. Always getting into trouble. But he was honest above all, and cared deeply about us. He was someone I admired in a way, how selfless he was. He was always like an older brother to me, despite being younger. He was very mature.”

“Hyunjin was always there, a shoulder to lean on. He was supportive, genuine."

“And Felix-”

***patient pauses, taking a deep breath***

_His face comes to mind and I can't help but remember when those eyes of him used to look at me, like I was somebody's universe. They will never look at me again._ “Felix was more than a friend to me.”

* * *

"I met Felix thanks to Seungmin. He reunited us all in a way. We were nine and going through changes; we wanted to change the world back then. We wanted to prove ourselves to our parents, we wanted to be seen as grownups and as who we felt inside."

***patient smiles widely, as if remembering a cherished memory***

"I knew since the moment I saw Felix that I liked him. _Really_ liked him. He was gonna change me, break me from the person I was supposed to be and make me the person I truly wanted and was meant to be. He went against everything that was expected of me. He saved me."

 "I smile when  I think of it. I don't know who I'd be without him."

* * *

**The fingerprints on the gun have been identified: they belong to Kim Seungmin. Police are now investigating if the crime was framed or if Kim Seungmin was effectively behind the murders. The autopsies have also come out: Hwang Hyunjin died of a gunshot to the head and died instantly, equal to Kim Seungmin. The other victim, Lee Felix, died because of a wound in the chest, inflicted by the same gun. The order of these deaths have yet to be revealed.**

* * *

"How could I ever kill them?"

***patient heavy breathes at the accusation by the detective that he might have framed victim Kim Seungmin as the killer***

"Never."

***patient repeats the word over and over again, in a state of shock***

"It wasn't me, I could have never killed them. They were my best friends. I don't exist without them."

"I know what you're thinking, but let me tell you that you're wrong!"

***patient violently stands up in what seems like a fit of rage***

"I don't care what you think! I didn't kill them to please my parents if that's what you're thinking. That's insane!"

**_*an eight minute break was required for the patient to regain control of his emotions and calm down his breathing*_ **

"I didn't do that to them, and Seungmin didn't either."  _I'm losing what's left of my mind._

_They have no proofs, no fingerprints. I never touched a gun in my life. I know that I don't remember the events of that night but I'm just not capable of killing anyone. I could never, that's not who I am._

_I could have never done that to them. How could I? They made me who I am. No one will understand me, it's useless._

_I'm innocent._

* * *

**The police are relying on the hypothesis that Han Jisung framed Kim Seungmin as the killer. New fingerprints have been identified on victim Lee Felix, belonging to the respective accused, but the fingerprints on the gun fail to support this theory.**

* * *

_The four of us, sitting by the fire, watching the smoke drift off into the air above us and disappear, sparks of the fire making way upwards into the sky, like stars. We watched it all disappear and turn cold. And then, there was only me._

"I'm starting to remember the events of that night. It's coming back to me but all I can see, _feel_ , is the warmth of a fire."

_"Fire consumes, warms and illuminates," Seungmin says. "But it can also bring pain and death. It's beautiful really, how something can be so mesmerizing yet deathly if we get too close to it."_

"We were lost boys. Free and independent and naive. We had our own perception of the future, so unique, so raw and childish; full of hope and determination that got lost along the way to adolescence. We had strayed from our parents for a weekend, promising to meet in new land, _no man's land._ A whole weekend to decide who we wanted to be and what we wanted to do with our lives, with our promising futures. Coincidentally, that would be the last time any of them was alive."

* * *

  **A new theory has been brought up by detectives: Kim Seungmin killed both victims Hwang Hyunjin and Lee Felix with his gun before killing himself. Witness Han Jisung was able to escape and, in doing so, tripped and hit his head. The other theories have still to be dismissed.**

* * *

"I think that the real reason-"

***patient stammers for a while, huffing***

"The reason I can't remember is not because I hit my head. It has to do with that-mainly-but also because I've been suppressing the memories of the events of that night for weeks. I don't want to go back to the past. I can't-"

***patient cries for approximately ten minutes, silent***

"I can't go back to that night because I don't want to. It's too painful."

_"Come on, Jisung," Seungmin insists. "It's only for the rest of your life! Think, you'll be free from your parents and the responsibilities and expectations and you'll be with us, your best friends in the whole world!"_

_He's right, so I agree to go with them. They all smile at me. What could go wrong?_

"We went camping. I told my parents I was going to study to a friend's house and that I'd be back by Monday. Felix told his parents he was coming to my house, Hyunjin said he was going to Felix's and Seungmin to Hyunjin's. We all lied."

"We wanted freedom, we wanted to break free from the life that our parents had planned out for us. We didn't want that; we didn't want our youth to be thrown away without having the time of our lives first, without knowing how it felt to break the rules once in a while and breathe. Just breathe. To be far from everything that harmed us, that impeded us from being who we wanted to be."

"Seungmin taught me that the only thing stopping me from being me were my decisions. So I took a chance and broke a rule. I ran away with them for the weekend. But that weekend was supposed to last a lifetime.”

***detective asks patient what he means with 'last a lifetime'***

"The day they died, we fought. I can't remember what about, I can just picture the disappointment and hurt in Felix's crystallized eyes. They wouldn't dare to look at me. He wouldn't raise his sight and stare at me, because if he did, I'm sure he'd cry."

"I didn't want him to cry. I didn't want to betray their trust but there was something — a thing I had to do — that I was frightened of carrying out. I couldn't do it, I had chickened out. Seungmin screamed at me. Hyunjin didn't even speak to me at all, which was worse."

"I don't really remember how the night went. I remember lying on the grass and watching the sunset and then Seungmin made a fire and we just sat around it and we talked all night. I kept glancing at Felix, whose face looked so soft against the light of the flames. He looked ethereal."

"Nothing ever really happened between us. As I said, I was a very shy person, and I was too scared to make the first move. We were both awkwardly shy so no one ever made the first move. It's a pity really, I loved him so much."

***patient sobs indiscreetly***

_"The night is young and so are we!"_

_"Shut up, Seungmin!" hisses Hyunjin."Someone could hear you."_

_"There's no one here."_

"I don't really know what I was expecting of that night in the woods. I just followed Seungmin's leadership, it felt like he knew what he was doing."

"We just sat and talked for hours, lying by the fire. Then Seungmin said something that really changed the whole atmosphere."

_"Who remembers the promise we did?" he asks, grinning. There's something shining in his eyes but I don't know what it is: it isn't madness, but instead ingenuity._

_I frown. "_ _What do you mean?" I ask._

_He stands up, smoke still floating above us. He looks at the fire, mesmerized. "Fire consumes, warms and illuminates," Seungmin says. "But it can also bring pain and death. It's beautiful really, how something can be so mesmerizing yet deathly if we get too close to it."_

_I stand up as well, facing him. I clench my fists. "I don't understand."_

_He stares at me now, through the flames. "You made a promise, Jisung. We all did."_

_"What promise? I don't remember anything."_

_Felix holds my hand, his eyes on the grass. He doesn't say anything. Neither does Hyunjin. "The promise of never growing up."_

_Felix's hand is warm in mine, but he still won't talk to me, like he knows he is hiding something from me. I'm still baffled. "What do you mean?" I ask again, somehow hoping I'll get a real answer this time._

_Seungmin laughs. He laughs like the villain in a movie, like he knows he left me in a trap I won't be able to free myself from. There is horror in my eyes because, of course, I did made a promise. And I couldn't break it._

"We were eight, and Seungmin promised me we would always be together. He promised me he knew a way of staying a carefree kid forever, but that it was a secret he'd tell me when we grow up. I couldn't wait for him to tell me. I needed to know the secret, I wanted him to tell me. But he kept it hidden, until that night."

_"We promised it," he says. "You all promised me!" Now I understand the feeling behind his eyes: it's not ingenuity, it's rage. Delirium._

_I look at him, horrified. Felix sobs quietly. Hyunjin just stares._

_"You're insane!" I say, but he takes out a gun from his backpack. I had never seen a gun in real life._

"That moment still haunts me to the core. I will never be able to erase it from my mind. I tried so many times, I-"

***patient bawls, having come to the realization of what happened to his friends and waking up from his previous state of shock***

_He walks over to Hyunjin. Felix tightens the grip. "Here," he says softly, handing the loaded gun to Hyunjin. "You go first."_

_Hyunjin stares at the gun for what seems like half a second and, without breaking the eye contact with me, pulls the trigger and shoots himself in the brain. Blood scatters around every one of us and Felix lets out a shaky breath, as if he had been holding it back all this time. I cry._

"I did nothing to stop him from shooting himself. I failed Hyunjin."

"His body was lying helplessly on the ground, his shirt soaked in carmine blood. It was awful, I couldn't look at him. I couldn't process what had just happened. Felix wept and wept, somehow knowing-ahead of me-that he was next."

_I caress Felix's hand with my thumb, in attempts to calm him down. I gasp, choking on my own tears._

_Seungmin picks up the bloody gun from Hyunjin's lifeless hand and takes a look at it, as if inspecting the weapon. He smiles, "You're next," he says, lopsidedly smiling at Felix. I want to rip his smile off."Now, I know that if I hand you the gun you'll either point it at me and say that if I take a step closer you'll shoot, which I doubt you will, or actually do it."_

_Felix stands up, letting go of my hand. "You don't know that."_

_"You're right, I don't," he says. "But I won't take a chance, so I'll do the job for you." Suddenly, there is a noise of one single gunshot, fired in rapid succession. The sound is swallowed by the grass and comes out as a deadened thump. The moment plays out in slow motion: Seungmin pulls out the handgun and shots him in the chest, Felix falls to the ground, the bullet hole opens wide and his heart gushes blood rhythmically from the open wound, the bright red blood soaks the grass that lies beneath his body. I hold his lifeless body, but he's gone, eyes wide open._

"It hit Felix in the chest, propelling him backwards. Felix fell to the ground, and for a few seconds he looked up at me as if trying to admire me one last time. Then the black of the night folded over him."

"I tried to save Felix. I tried making him come back to me but I couldn't. He was gone so fast. I failed. I should've done more. I should've stayed with him.”

  _I weep and weep, still holding him in my arms. He won't come back to me. The light in his eyes is gone._

_"Now it's your turn," but I barely hear him. I run through the woods, unsure of where to go but never stopping, never turning back._

_I don't hear him come for me, but I still rush forwards. Then, I hear him scream. "Han Jisung, you can run, but you can never walk away from us. You will never forget this, and you'll live to remind yourself that every single day for the rest of your miserable life."_

_A gunshot can be heard in the distance, but that doesn't stop me. Three casualties. One survivor._

"I've come to think he purposely let me go, escape. I don't know why, maybe because I needed to tell this story."

_I instinctively turn around, only to skip over a tree root and hit my head, sending me into a deep slumber._

* * *

"It was like a Russian roulette, except the gun was fully loaded. We knew what was coming, we knew the rules of the game and how it was supposed to end. We played anyways. _The night is young,_ we said, _and so are we._ Cause it was true, of course. We had all made a promise we couldn't break."

"I should've stayed with Felix. I should've let Seungmin shoot me like he did with them."

*****case closed. Han Jisung is innocent and will face no charges*** **

* * *

_What I told is true, and will never cease haunting me. It's something that I will never be able to move on from, I will never erase it from my mind and pretend it never happened._

_I failed them that day, but not anymore. As I said before, I don’t exist without them. They made me who I am and without them I’m nothing. I should’ve ended it all that night, like I was supposed to. Like I was meant to do._

_I was a coward. I was scared, mostly. ~~Frightened that I was going to lose everything.~~ No, frightened that I was gonna lose Felix. _

_I did end up losing him in the end, and I did nothing to stop it. I hate myself and the events of that night, and I wish I could go back and change everything but I can't. That's why I hate myself even more._

 

_I used to sleep because it was the only way to get away from my demons, the leftovers of that night. I could still hear Seungmin's shrieking voice, I could still feel Hyunjin's eyes on me and Felix's warm touch. I wish I could've never let go of his hand. It was too much to bear, too much to deal with. I wasn't ready to live with the burden of being the sole survivor. I wasn't meant to be a survivor._

_And now, I'm eternally sleeping just to numb the pain of it all, the burden of living without them._

**NEWSFLASH!** **18 year old Han Jisung, previously known by the media as being the only witness of the mass murder that took place three weeks ago in the woods, was found dead this morning, police reports say. He left a suicide note behind, now in the possession of the police. We hope he now rests in peace.**

 

**Author's Note:**

> AStarlightMonbebe: This may come as a shock to you. I'm sorry I didn't ask for your permission, and if you don't like this work or want it gone, just say it and i'll delete it. The truth is, i really like your work. It's inspiring. It's admirable. I lowkey look up to you and reading your aus is something that I love to do. They're so good. This au was obviously and wholly inspired by yours, and it's a way of appreciation. Thank you for sharing your art.
> 
> i wrote this all in one sitting and i haven't spell checked it yet, sorry for the spelling mistakes !!! also, english is not my first language so pls be understanding


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